Why Relationships End and How You Can Avoid Them
As a relationship counselor, I am consistently being asked why so many relationships fail which leads to guys wanting to get an ex back. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered 5 major relationship killers:
CONTROLLING Behavior – The great majority of people enter a liaison with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates assorted forms of controlling behaviour. Controlling behavior falls into two major classes overt control and secret control. Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming angriness, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and scorn. Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying.
Often somebody at the other end of attack will reply with some form of covert control in an attempt to have command over not being attacked. Controlling behaviour always ends up in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the refusal it is meant to avoid.
RESISTANCE – Many people enter a connection with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled of losing themselves. The instant they experience their partner desiring control over them, they reply with resistance withdrawal, unconsciousness, insensibility, forgetfulness, and time wasting.
NEEDINESS – Many of us enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel OK about themselves. When people have not learned how to be responsible for their own feelings and needs , and to outline their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS – Most folks who feel empty within turn to substance and process obsessions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and solitude. Alcohol and substance abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Web sex and porn, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, dolling up, and such like can all be utilized as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, incompetence, refusal and engulfment. And they are all methods of shutting out your companion.
EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE – Many people are very conscious of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship issues, but completely ignorant of what they are doing. For instance, you may be awfully mindful of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but completely oblivious of your own judgmental behavior.
You might be extremely conscious of your partner’s resentment, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You could be really mindful of your partner’s addictive behaviour, but really oblivious of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your other half rather than on yourself, you will continue to accept that if only your other half changed, everything would be O.K.
RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS – All relationship killers come from fear of failing, of failure, of refusal and of engulfment. So long as you are coming from any of these fears, you'll be behaving in one or two of the above ways.
The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows the way to take full accountability for your own feelings and wants.
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